KEEPING UP WITH THE QUERYING JONESES

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Two coffee-carrying writers step into the investigation room ready for another round of query cases.

Writer 1 rubs her hands together: “Ok, so what’s hot right now?”

Writer 2 approaches the Query Tracking pin board and points to a faded yellow post-it. “Someone around here just got an agent with this premise.” She holds up the Twitter evidence for Writer 1’s inspection.

Writer 1: “Hmm…a YA Beetlejuice meets Cracker Jack Guy retelling from that little dog’s POV mystery horror with a paranormal/musical Grease twist.” Pauses. “Ok, if it worked for her… Let’s do it!”

Both writers scramble to change their premises and queries to a YA Beetlejuice meets Cracker Jack Guy retelling from that little dog’s POV mystery horror with a paranormal/musical Grease twist.

Writer 1: “We’re SO getting an agent, too!”

Writer 2: “Yup, good thing we never leave the Twitter feed unattended.”

Writer 1: “Uh oh, wait, this just in.” Reads from phone. “Agent landed with an Upper MG Mortal Kombat meets Barney preadolescent/Three Stooges/sci-fi baseball magical realism in an American Idol society.

Writer 2: “What does that even mean?”

Writer 1: “No idea. Just start revising.”

Writer 2: “Right!”

Papers crunch, delete buttons slam. Slight swearing ensues.

Writer 2: “Oh, I forgot! Last week someone sold this book!” Shoves phone under Writer 1’s nose.

Writer 1 lowers glasses to read: “NA animal time traveling circus in space, escapes earth due to airborne crotch disease­­­––OMG! Of course! Why didn’t we think of that? I’m changing mine!”

Writer 2: “Me, too!”

Writer 2: “Wait!” She looks up, tapping a pen to her lips.  “Didn’t I see something on Twitter that a query shouldn’t be more than 253.7 words to land an agent? I think mine is 251.4”

Writer 1: “Mine is 257.1. You’re right. Lets change them again.”

Paper balls fly.

“And I heard wearing this perfume works.”

“Oh and blondes are luckier.”

Both put on wigs.

“I think my MS should be in first person…or fifth.”

“Write two versions, just in case.”

“Right. Wait, I’ll do nine!”

“Someone just sold a Dystopian.”

“I thought Dystopian was dead?”

“I’m changing mine to Dystopian. I could bring it back.”

“Good idea, me too.”

“Ohio’s calling in for a progress report.”

“Ohio, you’re on.”

Ohio Writer: “Diverse zombies, and three-foot action porn is the next new trend.”

“I’ll take the porn.”

“I got the zombies.”

Paper ball tornado.

“Are you entering that new online contest?”

“Not sure, can you be in twelve at the same time?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Husband knocks impatiently: “Honey, come on! Are you ready to go yet?”

Writer 1: “Was that yours or mine?”

Writer 2: “Doesn’t matter. Don’t move and they won’t know we’re here.”

***

Spongebob Narrator voice: Three thousand queries later…

Writers lay across a patchwork blanket of revised queries and premises.

Writer 1 picks up her latest query: “Well, I think we did it. A YA Anti-bacterial wipe Bachelorette meets Click, Clack, Moo in a Hunger Games Mar’s ghetto type arena with a grunge, Hairspray eighties theme––Dude, we’re SO getting published right now.”

Writer 2 checks her phone with bleary eyes. “Yup, but hold on…there’s another update––”

“Ugh! I don’t even want to know.”

“But WE HAVE TO KEEP UP!”

“Ok, you’re right, I’m ready.

More changes

More updates

More changes

More updates

More drinkin..More changes

“OK. I think we’re finally ready…”

“Wait, I have an idea. You submit mine and I’ll submit yours.”

“Good thinking!”

Dusty cartoon scramble.

Submit buttons pressed.

Room implodes.

Husbands enter to retrieve their writer-weary-wives.

Husband 1: “Is yours always like this, too?”

Husband 2: ”Only when I’m paying attention.”

Husband 1 pulls a piece of paper from his wife’s exhausted grasp.

Husband 2: “What’s it say?”

Husband 1: “It’s their tombstone request:

SPREAD THE WORD: Write for yourself––The rest will come!

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2 thoughts on “KEEPING UP WITH THE QUERYING JONESES”

  1. Am I writer #1 or 2? I’ve got it! An NA contemporary romance told from a 2nd person paranormal zombie witch’s POV!! Agents will line up at my blog…email…twitter- fighting for it!

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